What do I do all day now that my kids are at school? If I had a penny for every time someone has asked me that I’d have… well probably about 56p, definitely less than a quid. Of course, I have to fill in a time sheet and hand it in each day to The Mother Police, so for those of you who are interested here is: What I Do All Day in both Mother Police time sheet format and in Truth:
6:50 – 8:30 – feed children, oversee reading homework and child dressing, make a packed lunch (hummous sandwich, raisins and almonds, apple, tomatoes with basil and oil – Take THAT Mother police: Complete healthiness, you bitches can’t complain about that one.), brush the female child’s hair and style into ‘Anna plaits’, have an extensive one sided conversation about a video game that Max is going to teach me how to play on Wednesday. I put this on my time sheet as PREPARE TO LAUNCH
8:30 – 9:00 Hand children over to The State for education. Go on the internet for a specific purpose, forget instantly what that purpose was. Look on facebook, check emails, have a dive into twitter, read some articles. Eat breakfast while sitting on a rocking chair looking into the garden. For those of you who have toddlers – yes – NO-ONE bothered me or asked me for anything AT ALL, while I was eating. Ran up and down the stairs a few times (I call this INTERVAL TRAINING on my time sheet)
9:00 – 9:40 – Can’t remember what I did here, but I’m going to put ADMIN on my time sheet. Just remembered – I rang up about a job – admin was a good guess.
9:40 – 10:00 – Walk very fast to Ealing Broadway Library (I call this EXERCISE on my time sheet, I’m not sure if its allowed, The Mother Police have not called me out for being self indulgent yet. Possibly I will be sent to Siberia for re-education when they get through the backlog of old time sheets)
10:00 – 11:00 – Write and read stuff on my laptop. It was some kind of fictional story that I’m doing, but on the time sheet I put it as ADMIN.
11:00 – 11:20 – Go to M&S for knickers, also stop for a coffee and a banana in the cafe. Imagine I am in control of all the elite pensioners who live in there and I can send them on missions all over the city. Realize I don’t have any enemies that I would want to inflict the evil pensioners of M&S on, try to make up some other interesting missions for them. I put FORAGING on the time sheet.
11:20 – 11:40 – walk back. (EXERCISE again)
11:40 – 12:40 – Construct a BBQ & do some gardening, mainly consisting of splitting and repotting a semi dead basil plant. CONSTRUCTION WORK is what I will put on the time sheet.
12:40 – 13:40 – Lunch at desk (I have a desk!!!)
13:40 – 14:30 – Read a Marrianne Keyes book (current chick lit of choice) Also, have a cup of tea, fix the bathroom lock (screwdriver still out from making the BBQ) and assemble a habitat chair. Also put a wash on and empty and refill the dishwasher. HOUSE CLEANSING is what goes down on the time sheet
14:30 – 14:45 – Scramble around the house finding post school snacks (lollipops – but I don’t tell The Mother Police that), DBS check (to hand in to school so I can do volunteer reading), Evie’s old knickers (for ‘the accident box’, kids swimming kit and a tray of enormous mutant seedlings I have been looking after for one of the other mums during the holidays (I am essentially her slave) I call this PLANNING AND PREPARATION.
14:45 – 14:50 – walk to school
14:50 – Arrive at school trailing an enormous amount of shite, buzz into the office and hand in DBS check. Leave office. I’m gonna go with VOLUNTEER WORK for this on the time sheet and for all the rest of the day, I think.
14:59 – Standing outside the gate with a tray of seedlings that look a bit like weed plants. Passing Rasta gives me respect. I am an unseemly amount early for pick up. Fuck it. Pretend to have interesting things to look at on the inside of my phone as other parents begin to rock up.
15:10 The state releases my now educated children.
And that, ladies and gentlemen is what I do all day while my children are at school. What do you do all day while your children are at school? Or, for the child free; what do you do all day while your children are still separate little eggs in an ovary/sperm in a ball sack?