Birth Presents

One of my good mates is being induced today (if that doesn’t make you wince involuntarily, then good for you! You are OUT of that zone, well done!) but for everyone else we know the woman will be in need of a good present of some sort very soon. She is a very organised sort of a person, so I’ve been trying to think of stuff that every mother should have, but maybe might not have thought of, a kit for the new mother. I have come up with a list of things that I think might be handy:

1) Valium, upon giving birth to each new child every woman should be given a small stash of Valium to use at her discretion, maybe ten, for her own use. If the child ends up being an angel and the woman is a total Zen mother she can sell them on, on the black market to less fortunate women when the child reaches 30.

2) A massive stash of mould ripened cheeses, sushi, and her own choice of very delicious booze. For immediate consumption.

3) A set of 10 24 hour free passes, where a very trusted lovely babysitter comes, takes the child off her hands, does exactly as instructed and cleans the house while he/she is about it.

4) One extra arm, it will drop off naturally when the baby reaches the age of two.

5) Complete control over future fertility.

So, thinking of all those women, being bloody marvelous, squeezing improbably large things through unmentionable places. I salute you, you are goddesses one and all.

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