How to Make a Cup of Tea

Hello America, its me, Catherine. This is a sensitive subject and thats why its taken me a while to broach it, but, on the whole, in general, and you know I think you’re great and everything but… America, you could not make a decent cup of tea to save your life.

Don’t worry though, your Aunty Catherine will give you a remedial course in tea making. Its actually quite easy, so here we go:

1. Get a kettle (I do not mean a warming water for coffee machine, you need an actual kettle that actually boils water. Only a kettle will do.)

2. No really – get a kettle, they sell them in crate and barrel and they even sell the remedial stove top ones in IKEA. They’re shit but its your choice.

3. Put some water in the kettle. Boil the water.

4. At this point the gourmet people can get out their tea pots. Don’t worry, this is not necessary, you may use a mug instead if you like.

5. Swish some boiling water around in your mug/tea pot and then tip it out into the sink.

6. Put a tea bag into your pot/mug. A lipton tea bag is not proper. Do not even try that shit with me. PG tips is available all over the Bay area. And don’t go giving me any of that Earl Grey bollocks either.

7. Make sure the kettle is still boiling. You can turn it back on for a minute if necessary. Now pour boiling water on the teabag. The water will turn brown. Do not be alarmed. Leave the teabag in your pot/mug for a few minutes. You can give it a swirl with a spoon if you like.

8. If using a mug take out the teabag. If using a tea pot pour the tea into a mug.

9. You may now add milk and sugar to taste. If you are making the tea for me don’t bother. I don’t like milk or sugar.

10. DRINK THE TEA. Slurping is fine.

Alright, I hope we’re clear on this. I never want to be handed another cup of tepid water with a fucking lipton tea bag next to it ever again.

Thank you. And well done on the coffee and all the other wonderful things you do.

Love Catherine x

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