Stay at Home Mothering: Reviewed.

I have now been a stay at home Mammy for nearly 2 years. Here is my review:


1. You get to play with play dough and pre-lego blocks a lot.

2. You have a genuine reason to go to all the cool kid places, like the exploratorium and The Academy of Sciences. You can also go there on a week day when there are less other annoying humans there.

3. All those hugs and I love you mammys and the way the lovely little baby crawls over and gives you a kiss. Ah!

4. You get to read loads of kids books.

5. You get to live in the crazy imaginary world your children inhabit. Imaginary shops, submarines, undersea worlds, cafes, being inside a whale. Most of the time I am a submarine engineer named Tweek. Max, of course, is my captain.

6. Plan your own day.

7. See all the firsts.

8. Have time to cook all your and your children’s own meals (this could also go in the con’s section)

9. You can control everything about your kids life

10. You can drink booze while you’re at work, but don’t tell anyone I do that.


1. You can control everything about your kids life? What? Are you kidding me? That is NOT a good thing, how guilty are you going to feel when you don’t reach perfection? Don’t worry, you are not really in control. That is a complete illusion.

2. You have to read Thomas the Tank Engine books. They are awful.

3. Complete drudgery. Making breakfast, cleaning the kitchen floor, cleaning the kitchen, laundry, tidying, laundry, making dinner, cleaning dinner off the floor, cleaning the kids faces, ignoring the mess, cleaning the kitchen, making the tea, cleaning the tea off the floor, tidying 800 toys away, making the adult tea, cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry.

Seriously, spend 3 hours a day on housework just to keep the house above the cholera level. I go for an average of 2 – 3 hours a day to keep my flat somewhat hovering above the cleanliness level of a midden.

4. Will anyone thank you for your efforts? Will they fuck.

5. Are you stupid? You might as well be. Your intellectual brain will not, I repeat NOT be challenged. You may as well let it whither and die. This could also go in the pros section on a rainy day.

6. Your child will pick up all your weird habits and phrases. This has lead to Max having a bizarre, but wide vocabulary.

7. There are so few times when you can swear or have a good bitch once your children can speak. I miss swearing so much. It is my favourite form of self expression.

8. Loss of financial independence. Want to buy your partner a present? Better ask them if they can afford it first.

8a. In many cultures this makes you subhuman.

9. Loneliness, until you find yourself some good mummy friends (which can take a while, when every sentence is interupted, by “No, don’t stick THAT in your mouth”), being a stay at home Mammy can be intensely lonely. What, you say? Really, but you have your lovely children to talk to. Really, think about this, charming though the conversations of a 3 year old are they are not enough to sustain your mind and soul for days on end.


1. Logistically challenging, particularly when you add more than one child into the mix or try to use public transport. On the bad side this is irritating, but on the plus side getting on a bus with a nappy bag, stroller, handbag and babe in arms while verbally controlling a toddler is an achievement.

You can buy yourself a cake for that.

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