I was stuck in a queue in Safeway for ages yesterday and had good opportunity to read some of the magazines they keep near the tills, I haven’t read the American versions of the lady brain rotting mags before. They are awful, awful things. The poor identikit women on the fronts, with their bland, bland faces and vapid smiles all dead behind the eyes. Awful. Anyway, this post just came out like a burp afterwards:
Get the Look! Top secrets revealed
Get the New Mother body you’ve always dreamed of by following this all new eating and exercise plan:
Feel the Burn!
For rapid initial weight loss push around 15lb of baby and placenta out of your vagina. This could help you loose up to 15lb!!!!
Get The Look:
- To get the strong legs and muscly arms that go with your new new mother look push at least 60lbs of assorted child, baby and shopping at least 3 miles a day. Make sure you include some hilly terrain.
- Arms not bulky enough? Carry your new baby around in your arms for at least 5 hours total a day, decreasing slightly as your baby gets older and bigger.
- To make sure you have a pudgy and floppy mid section its important not to loose too much weight following the birth. Make sure you have a new 150g bar of chocolate in your kitchen every day and secretively eat some every time you go past. It is also very important not to do any exercise on those abdominal muscles. If you have a toddler he/ she will help by leaping on you every time you try to do a sit up.
- Feel like you’re just too tall? Wear a front sling with a 10 – 25lb weight in it for at least part of every day (your new baby is perfect for this) and get a beautiful sexy summer humpty back and permanent slouch. This will have the added advantage of making your man feel taller and more manly.
- Eat mainly toast, chocolate and pieces of food that your toddler does not want. Make sure to eat at least six things everyday which already have a bit of spit on them and one thing that has been pureed, this will aid digestion. Never leave an empty plate. Cold scrambled egg with a bit of milk spilt on it can add vital protein to your diet.