More Questions

Oh, and by the way – I am totally pwning the single motherhood thing. I am the fucking Don, piss on my bathroom floor, no problem. Wake me up screaming that there’s poo all over the bathroom, I can take it. Develop a phobia of your new nursery, I’ll find you another one. Get so snotty that you wake up with your hair stuck to your face each morning, I’ve got the wet wipes. Live in a house devoid of furniture, I’ll sit on the floor. Can’t fit the new bed up the stairs, I DON’T care, beds are for wimps anyway. Bow down in the presence of my awesome child wrangling.

Yes, so questions. here are some interesting things I have found out from Max’s recent questions (That phase has not yet ended)

Max: Why do some spiders let their babies eat them?

Me: (feeling smug as its a biology question and I know it – also my son knows a bit about this shit already! Genious!) Well, the Mam spider loves her children more than she loves herself, so she is willing to let them eat her (anthropomorphizing, I know, but he is only 4)

Max: Why do some spiders let their babies eat them?

Me: Well, the Mum wants the babies to live more than she wants herself to live.

Max: Why?

Me: Because she has already passed on her genes to the babies, so, in evolutionary terms, she just needs to help them survive now and her own life is not as important.

Max: What are genes?

Me Genes are the information in the spider’s body that makes her who she is.

Max: But you don’t let me eat you.

Me: No, humans have to look after their children for a longer time, so they get food from the shops for their children until they’re grown ups themselves.

Max: (Confused look) Can I have some cake?

(I guess this makes my life worthless in evolutionary terms when Evie reaches 18 or so)

Max: Why is the sun a big ball of fire?

I passed this one on to the twitterverse and found out that a large compressed amount of mass, under strong gravitational force gets really hot. Apparently if Jupiter was more massive it would go on fire too. Cool huh?

I Can Do It - Fuck Yeah!

A combination of blind optimism and complete denial has led to the title of this post.

It refers to the 6 months of single-motherhood I will be inflicting upon myself as of Jan 2nd next year i.e. in less than 3 weeks. I will be beginning this odyssey, nay, this enjoyable adventure with a 12 hour lone flight with a 16 month old and a 3 1/2 year old. Because that’s the kind of fun person I am. Do you want to sit next to us on the plane??? We’ll be bringing snacks and fun loud books to read, and pajamas!! My children are super cute! No, really they don’t hate you, they’re just tired/ think the TV is more interesting than you are.

We’re gonna go to a snowy drizzly cold place. Cos that’s cool. California is so passe. Sorry if you’ve just moved here, but its true. Eventually our cold drizzly snowy place will get warmer and then we will spend all our time in pub gardens, or in our own little garden with a BBQ. No-one will get hurt or die. I will totally cope on my own, no really. I will. It will be fun. Its going to be a blast! And everyone’s gonna come round and help right???

Previously, whenever I’ve been going through rough child times I have always thought, at least I’m not a single mother, that would be awful, I don’t know how they cope. And its good to face your worst fears, right? It’ll be an adrenaline rush.

When I’m finished I’m going to fall off a high ridge on a mountain, cos I’m shit scared of that too.

Those awkward questions

Max is in a what I think a lot of people call the why? phase, but for him it is more a general questioning phase. “Aha!” I thought at the beginning of this phase “excellent!”

I love questions and kids do really come up with some brilliant ones, “and I, my clumsy irrepressible fountain of joy,” I thought, “am just the woman to help you find some answers and maybe some more questions.” I was, of course expecting some repetition and some questions about willies and poos etc… But I am not one to shy away from those sorts of topics.

Here is a random sample of Max’s questions from over the past few days Max – Mam, Do you know Lichtenstein?

Me – The Artist?

Max – Yeah.

Me – He does pictures a bit like cartoons? (Max runs off at this point)

Max – Mam, do Ninjas eat dogs?

Me – No, I don’t think so, not many people eat dogs, and ninjas are Japanese so they probably eat Japanese food.

Max – Mam, Ninjas do eat dogs, they roam around the world killing dogs and eating them.

Me – OK

Max – Mam how do hot air balloons get the air in them and get into the air? (I passed that one on to youtube – Thank you internet, it was interesting)

We then get on to loud embarrassing questions in public lavatories, such as, “Mam, why have you got fur instead of a wink wonk?” For better or worse the boy now knows the word pubes and feels very sorry for me because I can’t piss standing up. And when I was pregnant “Mam, how will the baby get out?” Check out my amazing answer; “Well, you know you’ve got a little hole that wee comes out of, and another one that poo comes out of? Well, in between those two, women have another one, which is for babies to come out of.” Max spat out his drink in mirth at that and laughed for about 10 minutes. I don’t think he believed it.

His most challenging questions however have been about where food comes from.

Max: What is bacon made out of?

Me (bacon sandwich in mouth): Er, well its a bit of a pig.

Max:(laughs) Its a pig?

Me: yeah (chews thoughtfully on dead pig) Its a bit of a dead pig. A slice.

Max: You kill the pig? and slice it up?

Me: Well, yeah, well not me, but they do it in a factory.

Max: Bacon is a dead pig?

Me: (going off the sandwich) yeah.

Max: Can I have some?

Over the past few weeks, he has made me seriously reconsider my meat eating stance.

The Preschool Nightmare: Revisited

So, women in the play ground who had excel spreadsheets of preschools while the were pregnant, and sucked massive amounts of preschool owner cock this time last year, I started enquiring about a preschool for Max a couple of weeks ago, three days later he was in a preschool. IN YOUR FACE!! I also haggled for us not to pay the deposit. I am a mothering ninja. That is all.

My Grumpy Baby

This week I’ve bumped into two people I didn’t recognize, who met me this time last year. They both commented that Evie was in the sling then, and I replied “oh yeah, was she screaming?” Que slight chuckle “yeah.”

Evie still gets a lot of comments about how grumpy she looks from total strangers. Fact is, she is just a grumpy baby. When you’re a baby is a really bad time to be grumpy. Every fucker who crosses your path thinks that they can come over and touch you and start speaking to like you’re some kind of imbecile who can only hear at very high pitches. Frankly, with no option to just walk off, I’d be scowling and saying “NO!” a lot too.

I’ve recently changed my policy about Evie’s grumpy nature. A lot of people seem really hurt when she doesn’t instantly give them a positive reaction and it used to really embarrass me. I’d always try to joke about it or make an excuse, “Oh yeah that’s just the way her face is.” “She just doesn’t like people” “She’s a little curmudgeon” etc… etc…

But, the thing is, some random person in the supermarket’s feeling’s are not important to me. Hence my new stance: blank face or, “she finds strangers intimidating at first.” She does too. So random people, beware, if you have a paranoia that babies all hate you, simply don’t get in the face of the Evemeister. She’s no tart. Her loyalties lie with me and her dad and she recognizes you for what you are; a high pitched interloper with no snacks.

You’ll have to put the time in if you want to experience her laughing or holding your hand and walking around with you like your own pet monkey. Or if you want a lovely little baby kiss off her. She’s totally worth it, and maybe one day she’ll be the next Charlie Brooker making money off her naturally grumpy approach to life.

Stay at Home Mothering: Reviewed.

I have now been a stay at home Mammy for nearly 2 years. Here is my review:

Pros:

1. You get to play with play dough and pre-lego blocks a lot.

2. You have a genuine reason to go to all the cool kid places, like the exploratorium and The Academy of Sciences. You can also go there on a week day when there are less other annoying humans there.

3. All those hugs and I love you mammys and the way the lovely little baby crawls over and gives you a kiss. Ah!

4. You get to read loads of kids books.

5. You get to live in the crazy imaginary world your children inhabit. Imaginary shops, submarines, undersea worlds, cafes, being inside a whale. Most of the time I am a submarine engineer named Tweek. Max, of course, is my captain.

6. Plan your own day.

7. See all the firsts.

8. Have time to cook all your and your children’s own meals (this could also go in the con’s section)

9. You can control everything about your kids life

10. You can drink booze while you’re at work, but don’t tell anyone I do that.

Cons:

1. You can control everything about your kids life? What? Are you kidding me? That is NOT a good thing, how guilty are you going to feel when you don’t reach perfection? Don’t worry, you are not really in control. That is a complete illusion.

2. You have to read Thomas the Tank Engine books. They are awful.

3. Complete drudgery. Making breakfast, cleaning the kitchen floor, cleaning the kitchen, laundry, tidying, laundry, making dinner, cleaning dinner off the floor, cleaning the kids faces, ignoring the mess, cleaning the kitchen, making the tea, cleaning the tea off the floor, tidying 800 toys away, making the adult tea, cleaning the kitchen, folding the laundry.

Seriously, spend 3 hours a day on housework just to keep the house above the cholera level. I go for an average of 2 – 3 hours a day to keep my flat somewhat hovering above the cleanliness level of a midden.

4. Will anyone thank you for your efforts? Will they fuck.

5. Are you stupid? You might as well be. Your intellectual brain will not, I repeat NOT be challenged. You may as well let it whither and die. This could also go in the pros section on a rainy day.

6. Your child will pick up all your weird habits and phrases. This has lead to Max having a bizarre, but wide vocabulary.

7. There are so few times when you can swear or have a good bitch once your children can speak. I miss swearing so much. It is my favourite form of self expression.

8. Loss of financial independence. Want to buy your partner a present? Better ask them if they can afford it first.

8a. In many cultures this makes you subhuman.

9. Loneliness, until you find yourself some good mummy friends (which can take a while, when every sentence is interupted, by “No, don’t stick THAT in your mouth”), being a stay at home Mammy can be intensely lonely. What, you say? Really, but you have your lovely children to talk to. Really, think about this, charming though the conversations of a 3 year old are they are not enough to sustain your mind and soul for days on end.

Meh:

1. Logistically challenging, particularly when you add more than one child into the mix or try to use public transport. On the bad side this is irritating, but on the plus side getting on a bus with a nappy bag, stroller, handbag and babe in arms while verbally controlling a toddler is an achievement.

You can buy yourself a cake for that.

Want to Get my Look? My secrets: Revealed.

I was stuck in a queue in Safeway for ages yesterday and had good opportunity to read some of the magazines they keep near the tills, I haven’t read the American versions of the lady brain rotting mags before. They are awful, awful things. The poor identikit women on the fronts, with their bland, bland faces and vapid smiles all dead behind the eyes. Awful. Anyway, this post just came out like a burp afterwards:

Get the Look! Top secrets revealed

Lose Pounds!

Get the New Mother body you’ve always dreamed of by following this all new eating and exercise plan:

Feel the Burn!

For rapid initial weight loss push around 15lb of baby and placenta out of your vagina. This could help you loose up to 15lb!!!!

Get The Look:

  • To get the strong legs and muscly arms that go with your new new mother look push at least 60lbs of assorted child, baby and shopping at least 3 miles a day. Make sure you include some hilly terrain.
  • Arms not bulky enough? Carry your new baby around in your arms for at least 5 hours total a day, decreasing slightly as your baby gets older and bigger.
  • To make sure you have a pudgy and floppy mid section its important not to loose too much weight following the birth. Make sure you have a new 150g bar of chocolate in your kitchen every day and secretively eat some every time you go past. It is also very important not to do any exercise on those abdominal muscles. If you have a toddler he/ she will help by leaping on you every time you try to do a sit up.
  • Feel like you’re just too tall? Wear a front sling with a 10 – 25lb weight in it for at least part of every day (your new baby is perfect for this) and get a beautiful sexy summer humpty back and permanent slouch. This will have the added advantage of making your man feel taller and more manly.
  • Eat mainly toast, chocolate and pieces of food that your toddler does not want. Make sure to eat at least six things everyday which already have a bit of spit on them and one thing that has been pureed, this will aid digestion. Never leave an empty plate. Cold scrambled egg with a bit of milk spilt on it can add vital protein to your diet.

The Dentist

I’ve been to the dentist a lot recently, whilst there the following things have occurred to me:

1. My dentist is very clean shaven.

2. It must be very dull to be a dental assistant.

3. They should put pictures on the ceiling.

4. If you look in to the dentists glasses you can see what is happening in your mouth.

5. You shouldn’t do that.

6. I like Vicodin.

Sibling Reverlry

Before I had Bambino duo one of the many things I worried about was, how would precious bambino uno take it? Could he cope? Although he was intelligent, lovely loving and funny sharing was not amongst his skill set, even though I had been dilligently sorting out conflicts at playgroups for over a year he had no concept of him sharing something with someone else, unless it was to shove something in their face while he stole their better toy. This is how it has gone so far. Phase 1: Max’s initial reaction to Evie was to completely ignore her and get really really into the TV. This was during the loud screaming phase. He would also sometimes slam something down hard fairly close to her. One time he accidentally bounced her off the sofa on to the hard wooden floor while doing this, but most of the time it was ignoring and occaisionally informing me that Evie May had Beef. “Shall we try to cheer her up Mam?” Sometime he danced for her or tried to tell her a joke. She remained unimpressed. He also once decided to see whether dropping a dime down her throat would cheer her up. It certainly gave her a shock and provided me with an adrenaline rush, and an opportunity to remember and use some first aid.

Phase 2: Evie began to take notice of Max. She realised he was a complete God (as many local toddler girls have done recently- he is a bit of a lady killer in the playground). She watched his every move. And laughed. Max was delighted with her. He brought her toys (only rubbish baby toys, no transformers or anything), danced for her, told her his funniest jokes and protected her from frightening things (like me washing her hair and the hoover). He also took control of her stuff, making sure she never had anything of her own for too long and definately not anything of his. He will however make sure she has access to wires (her favourite thing) give her a “ride” in the buggy when I’m not looking, blow on her belly, and give her a kiss and a hug. He also likes to take charge of her fashion choices and give her flowers (which she tries to eat). He could still accidentally kill her, but he certainly does love her.

Me to Evie: Your Daddy will be home soon. Max: NO! He’s not Evie’s Dad, he’s my Dad! Silly Mammy! Me: No he’s Evie’s Dad AND your Dad. Max: No he’s MY dad. Not Evie’s. Me: Me and Dad are your AND Evie’s Mam and Dad. Max: No, Mam. You and Dad are MY Mam and Dad. Me: We are both your Mam and Dad. Max: No, MY dad. (repeat) Me: Well, anyway, he’ll be home soon.

So, sharing is still a problem.

Just so you know

My kids are ace.

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